JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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