the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
