i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
