i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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