she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
