I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
