I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize