did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
