Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
