Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
