I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
