Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
