Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
