God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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