Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize