just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
