I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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