Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
