I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
