Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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