dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
