i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
