i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
