I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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