Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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