He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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