the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
