He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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