happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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