If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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