can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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