I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
