so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's shark week go big or go home
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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