dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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