genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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