My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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