don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
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