I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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