Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
