in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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