I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
