I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
