Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Randomize
