I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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