Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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