So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize