when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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