Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
