Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
did i just pee glitter
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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