i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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