Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
