YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
