I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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