Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
