yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
