I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
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