I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
