From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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