Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
