I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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